Loving the Child They Couldn’t See
To be stripped of the freedom to explore, to make mistakes, and to learn through play is to be denied the very essence of childhood. When parents expect you to possess wisdom beyond your years, to walk before you can crawl, and to remain silent when you should be noisy, they place an unbearable weight upon your young shoulders.
Imagine being just a few years old, yet expected to soothe their anxieties—perhaps by being their confidant, their tiny therapist, absorbing their worries and fears as if they were your own. Imagine having to tiptoe around their unspoken sadness, sensing the fragility in their smiles, and learning to be invisible when their moods darkened.
It was an impossible task, a cruel expectation that whispers you're not enough. Never enough. And that leaves a scar you may carry for the rest of your life.
Childhood is messy. It is sticky, chaotic, and full of mistakes. But when parents can't tolerate any messes in themselves or others, they demand perfection from a heart still learning its own rhythm.
Maybe they were going through their own struggles – maybe they came from a hard place, were struggling with their own physical and mental health, poverty, or the lives of being immigrants. Their narrative, their own unhealed wounds, created a situation where it became impossible for you to blame them.
You simply learned to be quiet, good, and not make a fuss. You learned to read their moods, to know when to step in and when to disappear.
Deep down, you internalize the message that messes and mistakes are never allowed. That you were somehow always too much trouble, too messy, too needy, too demanding, too ‘wrong,’ or just… too much.
You became your own harshest critic, unable to offer yourself the very grace you were denied.
The consequences of such an upbringing reverberate throughout a lifetime. That harsh inner voice takes root, festering into a need for control, overachievement, and a flawless facade that masks the ever-present fear of not measuring up.
Perfectionism, anxiety, and self-doubt become your cage – a prison built on "should haves" and "could haves."
But here's a truth worth holding onto Every child, every person, every single one of us, deserves the space to be messy, to be clumsy, to make mistakes a thousand times over and learn from each one.
That is what life is, how lessons are learned, how strength is built, how we navigate the world with open hearts even when wounded, and love even when we can get hurt sometimes.
When parents deny their children the fundamental rights to be a child— to play, to make a mess, to take chances, and to get hurt sometimes, they rob them of the tools needed to thrive.
As an adult, the child who was never allowed to be a child must learn to give themselves the permission they were denied. They must learn to embrace their imperfections and to be kind to themselves in the face of mishaps and setbacks. They must learn to be their own nurturing parent, to give themselves the love and understanding they were denied in childhood.
It is a difficult journey, but it is necessary for healing and growth. By giving ourselves the childhood we deserve and allowing ourselves to be messy and imperfect, we can break free from the chains of perfectionism and self-criticism.
And if you're reading this, carrying the weight of a stolen childhood, please know this: It is never too late to reclaim what was lost. Embrace the child within you, the one who still yearns for joy, for spontaneity, for the freedom to simply be.
By allowing yourself to be fully human – messy, imperfect, and beautifully flawed – you break free from the chains of perfectionism. You learn to love yourself, not despite your past but because of it.