On Existential Crisis and Being Stuck in Life

We feel stuck in life when we refuse to face the realities of life. If we do not reconcile ourselves to the humanreality that we are limited, uncanny 'symptoms' such as procrastination, chronic indecision, stagnation, inertia, and self-sabotage may come and knock on our door, making us feel stuck in life. 

To mature spiritually, we must look at our past and courageously mourn the paths we did not take, but honor the paths we did take. There is no 'should have', 'should have', 'could have', but only 'what is'.

Ambivalence is a given in life.

We never have just one opinion about anything. On the contrary, at any given moment, we are always ambivalent about people, events, situations - about everything.

While a fundamental part of our human existence, certain ambivalences are often relegated to the shadows or netherworld of our collective consciousness.

For example:

We are ambivalent about relationships - we want things to go well, we want the relationship to last, but at the same time, we think about what life would be like if we were free of attachments. We think of all the people we have let go by becoming attached to one person and think of 'those who got away'. But most of the time, any expression of doubt is tabooed and disapproved of by our friends and relatives.

We are ambivalent about parenting - we love our children dearly, but sometimes we miss our freedom and old identity, and we resent them when they are hurtful and ungrateful. We want them to grow, but we fear that they will leave us. On the other hand, we want the best for them, and part of us is envious of their youth. But none of us can talk about a possible regret when it comes to parenthood without seeing the horror on others' faces.

We are ambivalent about our elderly parents - we want them to be healthy and well, but we worry that the caregiving responsibilities will hold us back. We might have forgiven them, but the wounds from our childhood still hurt. So we are both loyal and long to break free. Yet the anger at our elderly and frail parents fades wherever we go, sometimes even in our therapists' offices.

Jung said that our psyche works in pairs. When there is a seed of love, a seed of hate is born simultaneously. Yet we rarely see this portrayed in social media, fairy tales, or Hollywood movies. The characters' psychology is often reduced and polarized - as if there is no evil in the fairies, no beauty in the witch, no hate in love and no heaven in hell.

If we do not face ambivalence, we will get stuck in life. 

By repressing ambivalence into the shadows of our collective psyche, we have all become unpracticed in dealing with it.

It is part of being human that we have only one body and live in a chronological time. We can only be in one place at one time. So whenever we have to make a decision, we are faced with an existential turning point: if we choose A, we have to give up B. We have to make a choice. Somehow something is lost, a door is closed, a path is blocked. If we refuse to face this truth or find a way to cope with the sense of loss (perhaps of what we will never have), we will be stuck in life.

If we do not reconcile with the human fact that we are limited, scary "symptoms" like procrastination, chronic indecision, stagnation, inertia and self-sabotage will appear. These are the moments when we say we are stuck in life. For example:

You have been working in a dead-end job for years, yet you can not bring yourself to leave it.

You live in a stable but boring relationship and are plagued every day by the question "to go or to stay".

You long for real intimacy but are afraid of reality. Therefore, you would rather indulge in a fantasy life than reconcile yourself to the shortcomings of human relationships.

You put off your soul's callings, forgetting that not making a decision is also a decision.

You take on too many obligations, fill your plate too full, and ignore your body's need for rest and rejuvenation, only to burn out later.

You often complain because you know you are not living optimally, but you refuse to accept solutions or advice.

Or you get stuck in your anger about injustice and let the feeling of being a victim paralyze you. If you are stuck in your anger, you are also stuck in life.

Basically, you get stuck in inaction because you cannot bear the consequences of a possible downfall. When you are stuck in idleness, you are also stuck in life.

But this is absolutely not your fault. Most likely, it happened because you were deeply hurt by the trauma of one or more painful regrets in the past. Fearing that you would not be able to survive another bout of depression, guilt, and existential pain, you chose the false security of inaction, not knowing that you were stuck in an inferno as a result. 

"Get married and you'll regret it; do not get married, you'll regret it too; get married or do not get married, you'll regret it either way. Laugh at the stupidity of the world, you will regret it; cry over it, you will regret that too; laugh at the stupidity of the world or cry over it, you will regret both. Believe a woman, you will regret it; do not believe her, you will regret it too... Hang yourself, you will regret it; do not hang yourself, you will regret that too; hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret it either way; hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret both. That, gentlemen, is the essence of all philosophy."

- Søren Kierkegaard

Ultimately, these are all symptoms of an unconscious protest against the given of life; this is how we try to defy gravity and resist growing up spiritually. When we refuse to mourn the path not taken, the person not chosen, the opportunities not seized, we are basically refusing to accept our temporality and finitude. Basically, we deny our inevitable movement toward death, which is happening every single moment, and close our eyes to the urgency of life.

Existential doubt is a universal problem, but if you are different because of your intensity and sensitivity, you have no ready-made community to encourage and reassure you that your life choices are correct. Time and again, you are pressured to justify, explain, and defend your unconventional life choices, literally or metaphorically. The lack of support and social pressure increases your existential anxiety and can cause you to doubt, even more, become even more ambivalent, and feel even more alone in your dilemma.

In order to not allow your ambivalence to keep you stuck in life, you need to face it, practice working through it, and eventually grow from it.

Enduring ambivalences and maturing spiritually

The inability to endure ambivalences in life can be called an existential disease. The good news, of course, is that it can be cured. You may feel stuck in life, but through spiritual maturity, you can break free from it. Here are some pointers to help us befriend and work with our ambivalence so that it does not haunt us and remain hidden in the background of our psyche:

- We can start by acknowledging that there are different parts of our psyche. Even though you are one person, there are 'sub-personalities' within you that act according to different interests, intentions and desires. You can work out your inner conflicts by giving names to these different parts and bringing them out of the unconscious into consciousness. You can then allow these different parts to have a conversation; there are several techniques for doing this: left/right journaling is one. Draw a line on one page of your journal. On the left page, write a question with your dominant hand. Then on the right page, write your answers with your non-dominant hand. Let your unconscious do the work, and you will be surprised at what comes out.

- Whenever you are faced with a decision, ask yourself: what do I have to let go of if I choose A or B? And am I willing to do that? Have I made use of my free will, my ability to take a leap? Remember: If you do not make a decision, you make a decision that keeps you stuck in life.

- Ask yourself: what values do my choices reflect? By becoming aware of how your actions ARE actually align with what you believe in, you will feel more internally coherent and integrated. To put it in the words of psychology, you become more "ego-synthetic." By feeling "I know what I am doing and why I am doing it," you feel calmer and more confident.

- Regarding your inner conflicts, is there a creative compromise or solution? Can one option be chosen at a time? Within the framework of chronological time and the fact that we have only one human body, can both needs be met to some degree? Often we can do this by uncovering the deeper layers of our desires, down to our core needs, and then finding a creative way to meet the requirements on both sides of the equation.

- Get off social media and stop mindlessly and pointlessly comparing your real life to the polished highlights of others. The grass always looks greener on the other side. That's cognitive deception and avoidable suffering.

- Vow to never judge yourself for decisions you made in the past. You did the absolute best you could with the information and resources available to you. I promise