The Child in You is Still Waiting

If you are struggling with a fear of abandonment, it is likely that you were raised by an emotionally unstable or inconsistent parent.

They have a hot-and-cold, on-and-off emotional pattern.

At moments, they might shower you with warmth and affection, yet at the slightest hint of stress or a trigger, they turn into a different person—often childish, unreasonable, aggressive, or even violent.

This Jekyll and Hyde behavior thrusts you into a perpetual state of hypervigilance and fear, uncertain as to which version of your parent will appear next.

Will it be the caring figure, the harsh critic, or perhaps the unpredictable drunk? What have you done wrong to trigger them? How can you get your ‘good parent’ back?

When they did this, they essentially left you in a lingering state of suspense, saying through their absence: "It is not over until I say it is over."

In other words, they held all the power.

During these excruciating waits, you were left hanging, desperately longing for the moment your parent would reappear and announce, 'everything is okay now'.

You waited and waited, perhaps trembling in uncertainty and fear, only to finally receive the reassurance you needed for survival—that you were not being abandoned, that you were still loved, and that you were safe.

Each moment of their absence felt like an eternity, as your young mind struggled to comprehend why love could feel conditional and transient.

When this pattern repeats itself, you are forced into a state of hypervigilance at home, unable to relax or enjoy the carefree childhood that should have been your right.

Instead, your days were spent walking on eggshells, constantly tiptoeing around the adults in your life, always trying to mediate conflicts, and being careful to avoid triggering the next emotional explosion.

What makes it the most difficult with inconsistent parents is the unstable nature of their empathy and warmth.
Since they intermittently show a kind and compassionate side, it feels impossible to completely give up.
So you keep trying.

But this dynamic can trap you in a relentless cycle, much like being lured into playing a slot machine—you are continuously trying and hoping.

Even after repeated failures, you find yourself getting up and trying again, always hoping that this time, you'll be met with a nurturing parent, not a cold and cruel one.

Yet, the outcome is often not just traumatizing but retraumatizing.

Just like a wound that is not even allowed to form a scab, it is constantly reopened. Each episode of their explosive outburst or cold rejection disrupts the protective layer of healing from ever fully forming, leaving all the tender places in your heart exposed and raw—all the way into adulthood.

This pattern of waiting and hoping for emotional closure does not simply vanish just because you have grown older.

Now, when a partner seems absent, even if they may just be tired, or when they need time to cool down after an argument, it triggers an unbearable flood of abandonment fears in you.

In these moments, you might revert to your childhood self—waiting by the door, or by the phone, for any sign that affirms "we are okay now," "you are safe," or "I am not mad anymore."

But often, that reassurance does not come as quickly as you crave it.
As the minutes stretch into hours, and hours into days, each ticking second intensifying the dread that you could once more be left alone, unloved, and vulnerable.

During such times, you may find yourself oscillating between two modes: either you relinquish all power to your partner, allowing them to decide when it’s okay for you to feel secure again, or you attempt to regain a sense of control by deciding to prematurely end the relationship before they have the chance to hurt you.

Unfortunately, as you already know, this defensive mechanism of pushing loved ones away simply perpetuates the very fears you are trying to escape.

Even if those around you fail to empathize with you, you must learn to extend the deepest compassion for yourself.
Your fear of abandonment is a natural human reaction to chronic attachment trauma.

It is the response of the child within you who endured years of uncertainty and emotional abandonment by caregivers who held complete control and declared, "it is not over until I say it is."

It’s not you—it’s what you have been through.

For the Full Article on the Fear of Abandonment, please click here.